I heart clothes

It's true. I really do. So, let's talk about them, ok?

With fall making it's slow, gentle entrance here in Southern California, the stores have made the switch to sweaters, jeans, party clothes, and coats. Overwhelmed by the choices? Not sure what to get or how to wear it once you decide? That's what I LIVE to tell you. I'm opinionated and pushy, and am happy to tell you how fantastic (or unfortunate) your sartorial choices are. Of course, I'm going to focus on plus-size choices, because girls size 14 and under have a bajillion fashion magazines telling them how to dress. When you're squishy, you have to be a bit more discerning. On to the trends!

Sequins/beading/embellishments of any sort--I love this stuff. Completely. I have since I was a little kid, and my mom let me watch La Cage Aux Folles on TV even though the girls were topless, because she knew I'd like the flashy costumes. ANYhoo, I've seen a number of tanks this year with embellishment near the top, on the neckline, which serves to draw the eyes up to the chest and face area. This stuff is fantastic, and remarkably wearable. For plus-size ladies, our boobs are often one of our greatest assets, and there's no reason to not call some attention to them! And once eyes are that far north, it's just a short jump to your amazing smile. Many of the tops I've seen are easily worn during the day, especially the ones with in less dramatic colors. Save the sparkly black for the evening, but everything else should work pretty well for either day or night. Remember to dress your sequins down a bit for day, and keep jewelry minimal. You don't want to look like the Electric Light Parade. Well, maybe you do. But then, you're probably not reading this blog for fashion tips.

Skinny jeans--To be honest, I don't have a huge problem with them. If you find a pair you genuinely feel comfortable in, go on with your bad self. Understand that they aren't THE MOST flattering style you could wear, as they will inherently create a bit of an ice cream cone shape on any plus-size lady. They're just going to look a tad tapered. You could balance it out a bit by wearing a clunky heel or boot, both of which are in right now, but the bottom half is just going to look more narrow than the top half. If you're cool with this, then so am I. The same goes for leggings. Now, if you're not cool with this, but still want to, hrrm, lean towards this trend, you've got options. First of all, a few designers have put out true straight leg jeans this year. These are VERY HARD to find in plus sizes, but they exist. Lane Bryant's got a nice pair that also are a bit slimmer in the leg, which can create a similar shape. I've also seen a slimmer leg in Tommy Hilfiger plus, and INC plus, though I found the INC ones to be not terribly slim. If you're like me, and you're a true apple with slim limbs, put on the plus-size skinny jeans. Calvin Klein and Tommy Hilfiger both carry them. On me, they're just slim, straight leg jeans, with no cling. The Lane Bryant jeans have a bit of a crazy wash going on, but the Calvins and the THs are both a dark wash, and Calvin even makes a black pair, which are awesome. Pricy, but awesome. And remember, to avoid major stretch-out, stick with 1-2% lycra. Anything above that will be a DISASTER.

Also, if you're really interested in trendy cuts of jeans, more expensive designers do carry some. The Not Your Daughter's Jeans line has a variety of cuts, though more stretch than I like, and Svoboda also has some options. There are also a couple lines from overseas, but I haven't tried those on, so I can't vouch for the fit. And if you're looking for REALLY young, trendy jeans, check out Torrid, who can set you up with all your skinny, destroyed denim needs. But to look like a grown up, especially if you are one, stick with a solid, dark wash with no whiskering, acid dip, distressing, or tears of any kind. I know you're fat. You know you're fat. There's no reason to give eyes any reason to linger down there, unless it's a cool pocket on your hot ass. That, I firmly support.

Moving on.

Drapey/boxy/slouchy sweaters--Here's a fashion rule for you. If your body lacks a traditional, balanced shape, then you have to get your clothes to do the work for you. It's no big, but it'll help you to look shapely and sexy if your clothes can whittle out a bit of a waist for you. That being said, there are still ways to wear the season's trendy sweaters. First of all, try the drapey cardigan. You can put a slim tank underneath, and leave it open, or put a belt over the top. If you're going to wear the belt loose, you can wear a slimmer one. If you're going to pull it tight over your waist, make it a little thicker. At least an inch. If, again, you're an apple like me, skip the belt. The last thing you need is a highlighter across the broadest part of you. Just leave the cardigan open over your slim tank. And if the sweater's sleeves have a seam, be sure to have the sleeves taken in so they fit your arms. You'll look a thousand times better if your sleeves fit your thin arms. As for boxy sweaters, these are going to be better on apples and pears, and less great on true hourglasses. If you have large breasts, don't get a boxy sweater with a crew neck. You'll look like the broad side of a barn. Find one with a V or a scoop neck, and no cap sleeves. Smaller breasts and pear shapes should try to find one with a pattern of some kind, as it'll help balance out your bottom half. No horizontal cables for anyone. That's just tragic. But a vertical cable can be very slimming, so if that's an option, definitely try it on and see if it works for you.

I've seen a number of these sweaters that button at the neck, with cables and without, with cap sleeves, that flare out and drape down to the bottom line of the butt. You know who can wear that sweater? The same person that can wear the slouchy sweater. Any woman 5'8" and over, who's not a pear. Seriously, you have to have some height to pull both of those shapes off, and a sweater that buttons at the neck and flares open is a terrible, tragic thing to do to a plus size woman who is already self-conscious about her hips. And by having your sweater come down over your butt, all you've done is add another layer to it. As a plus-size woman, chances are you don't really think your butt needs to be any bigger. So stop adding fabric to it. For the most part, tops are most flattering when they stop at the middle of your butt. Not the top, not the bottom, the middle. When something bisects your butt, it's probably the right length. Obviously, this is not true for EVERY SINGLE TOP, but it's a starting point. Unless you're 5'8" or above, in which case, you can wear things past your butt. Hooray for you, tally.

This is an excellent place for one of my other fashion rules: Just because the store sells a particular thing, doesn't mean it's ok for you to buy it and wear it. Seriously, some stores will sell ANYTHING, just to see if you'll buy it. Do you know how many stores are still selling tapered jeans? And NO ONE looks good in them. NO ONE. Not a single human on the planet. No, don't tell me you do. Because you don't, and no one's told you, because you have nice friends. If you had meaner friends, you'd probably look better. Take THAT for what it's worth.

So, those are some of the trends I've seen lately. Some other fall tips: mix and match textures. Fall is all about lots of fluff and fuzz and lace and suede, and all kinds of feels. Your sweater dress will probably look awesome with some lacy tights and suede boots. The textures will layer nicely, and give your outfit some depth. Don't forget jewelry. Fall's a great time to layer on some pieces you don't normally get to wear, because they're a bit heavy looking. Plus-size ladies have the girth to carry off more impressive pieces, so take advantage! Don't go crazy with prints. Small houndstooth can make us look even bigger, but a nice houndstooth bag with a lovely solid sweater and jeans is just the right note. Do wear colors! Don't try to disappear every day in black. Society already goes out of its way to hide us and pretend like we're not here. Don't let this happen! Wear bright colors you love! Sequins! Style! Insist that people see how fantastic you are.

That's it for now. If I see something else, I'll be sure to tell you. Got any tips for me? Drop 'em in the comments. Thanks!

It could be worse...

I've been thinking the past few days about what I have, and what I don't have. It's a little daunting, but the haves definitely outweigh the don't-haves, which is a bit of an ego boost for me. I have to remind myself from time to time that everything's copacetic. You know?

So, here's a list of both the good and bad things I don't have:
-a job
-a home I enjoy living in
-a man to bring home the bacon
-an idea of what kind of job I want to get
-allergies!
-migraines
-any known health problems, except for the terribly tragic vitamin D deficiency
-tickets to New Moon yet
-a wasteful and all-consuming hobby
-water in my kitchen light (currently)
-a lack of funds
-a rapey husband (a la Joan)(seriously, this might seem like a joke, but every time I think about it, I think how lucky we are to not live in that time where I might have gotten married off to a rapey husband. Yeesh.)
-a degree I can milk for favors
-any really interesting skills that no one else can do, and is therefore marketable somehow
-kids
-that stupid futon anymore

And a few things I do have:
-opinions on almost everything, even if I don't know anything about the subject or issue
-a snazzy computer I'm really enjoying
-an iPhone with a pink case
-too many lunch plans to go back to work anytime soon
-a plane ticket to Florida for under $300
-new jeans that may or may not stretch out enough to be comfortable
-the capability to organize my thoughts and then type them out in this manner
-a capacity for learning
-my HD TiVo, which is one of the best purchases I have ever made

I've also been thinking lately about my unwillingness to try new things, and how much I hate doing so, and I've been actively reminding myself that new things are good, and many times, they work out very well. If I'm not going to work, and be a productive member of society, I should at least be a productive member of this household, right? Make my brain a better place to reside, and all that. It's tough, but nothing worth doing is ever easy.

If you have something you'd like to remind yourself of, please feel free to do so in the comments!

WTF?

I cannot, for the life of me, fathom other people sometimes. What is with them? They do the most bizarre, unexpected, and odd things at nearly every given opportunity. Unexpected can be a good thing. If someone brings you a piece of cake, for example, that is both unexpected and good. But when someone gets inappropriately drunk and mouthy at a non-drunk and mouthy event? This is just unexpected and awkward. BAD unexpected. Let me explain.

Over the past couple of weeks a couple friends and I have attended the Fall TV previews at the Paley Center. I made it to the CBS and ABC events, while they were able to make it to one additional. Anyway, the ABC night was the last night of the events, and one of the guests decided to make a night of it. Understand that this is a fairly quiet affair. A panel is hosted, questions are asked, and then they roll some of the new shows of the season. On this night we watched 4 comedies and a drama. Roughly 3 hours of TV. There's a minimal open bar, and a few hors d'oeuvres were passed. The CBS night was extremely uneventful. People are weird, for sure, but for the most part, people were paying attention to the TVs and not really putting on a show. Alas, the ABC night took on a life of it's own.

First of all, there were a number of women inexplicably dressed for late-night clubbing. One girl had on what must have started life as a bathing suit cover up. It was a navy blue, super short, knit dress with a large, open weave. Under this, she chose to go with her matching scarlet red bra and panties. She accessorized with a large ugly backpack, a teensy leopard print sweater, and purply pink combat boots. It goes without saying that she frequently walked the length of the upstairs deck, back and forth, bending over regularly. She and her scantily-clad friends seemed quite put out if any older man paid them any attention. One older gentleman made an interesting attempt. He limped over (I think he must have recently been in a car accident, since he was limping and wearing a huge brace over his chest) to the bench they were sitting on, and sat down. And then he casually reclined across the bench, sort of behind them, so he was kind of laying down on the bench the girls were sitting on. Needless to say, they got up, so he stretched out across it in the most uncomfortable-appearing position known to man. So odd. But to make sure you remembered they were still there, they whispered loudly to each other, even though they were now sitting at opposite sides of the deck.

All of this was going on to our left. To our right sat another older gentleman there with a younger lady. This man availed himself of the open bar. And I do mean AVAILED. Just for the record, he found Cougar Town to be DISGUSTING, which he felt bore repeating over and OVER. And in case you weren't sure, every time the show dipped to black, he announced that it was a commercial. Even though there were no commercials being shown. Dude was LOUD. And crotchety. And as a cougar himself (no, I don't believe this label should be restricted to women), he was annoyingly judgey. Courtney Cox looked WAY better than him.

There really are some fascinating people out there in the world. We watched a couple of the cater waiters take about 10 minutes to figure out how to light one of those gas heater things. Turns out you have to turn the gas on BEFORE you can light the pilot. TV seems to be the great uniter. It'll bring all sorts of people out of the woodwork. Everyone loves TV. EVERYONE. And if you don't, well, that's more weird than even I have an explanation for.

And for the record, TV Guide, we saw the jump cut in your reel. You can't sneak that shit past us. You should know that if you're going to play your preview reel on a loop for over an HOUR, someone's going to notice that jump cut. That's just embarrassing. For you, I mean. If you'd like to hire someone with the sense to NOT put a jump cut in a reel like that, call me! I'm available.

Fat girls like clothes, too

We've been discussing this a bit on Twitter, but I really think there's a number of holes in the plus-size clothing category that could easily be filled. Honestly, I had these same complaints when I wore standard sizes, but the issues they present seem even more pronounced in plus sizes, probably because there are fewer options in these sizes. If the lines carried by Lane Bryant, Macy's, Nordstrom, and Bloomingdales are all unable to suit us without extensive tailoring, well, we're sort of screwed. Out of options entirely.

The main problem I see with plus-size clothing is that they're all designed for some 5'10" perfectly hourglass shaped woman with shoulders like a linebacker. She has a remarkably tiny waist for a "plus-size" person, and is not afraid to share it with everyone by putting a belt on it, tying a sash around it, etc. Again, this is a common complaint of many woman, as we are OFTEN not hourglass shaped, but heavier women, well, we're fat. And while we carry our fat in different places, we usually have bigger tummies, and we don't want to have to go up a FEW sizes in order to get things to fit around our waists, and then have to take in every remaining inch of fabric. You're already charging us more for the extra fabric. We always have to consider all the tailoring the item will require on top of that.

In addition, the belt thing. I'm an apple shape. I'm just not going to put a belt around my middle, thereby emphasizing the widest part of me. Designers know that this can be a very slimming effect if your waist is your tiniest part. BUT, since many fat women aren't tiny in the waist, putting belts on all your tops (or the opposite, making all your tops voluminous tents) is very annoying. Just make the shirt. People can add a belt if they wish, or leave it off, again, if they wish.

Armholes. This is really my pet peeve. Fat women often have to wear very supportive, very elaborate bras. We do not want to share them with the world. I think armholes could be reduced a bit, and women with larger arms would still be able to get their arms into the shirts.

Petite tops. Oy. This is so, so important. It's an easy enough thing to get petite pants in the plus size department. Designers do seem to know that sometimes fat women are also short. But there are very, very rarely any petite tops. Sometimes, we're also short-waisted! Like me! Land's End recently drastically reduced their plus-size petites, which is a tragic shame, because it was one of the only places to get well-fitting basics like cardigans in a huge range of colors. I know there are a few other places to find this mythical beast (Talbot's, Macy's) but VERY FEW lines make plus-size petites, and even fewer stores carry them, and they are so vital to looking good for some of us. If you build it, we will come!

What else? I know some of you out there are looking for something specific in fat girl clothing. What would you like to see? A particular design? An improvement in a style? I think what I'm really looking for is for designers to consider all the different shapes of women when they design their clothes, but who isn't looking for that?

Deep thoughts...

With all this time on my hands, I can’t help but ponder some things that are probably best left in the unpondered pile. I think we all feel frustrated by things that are outside of our control, and that’s perfectly normal, but hese are the things I’ve been thinking about lately. The obvious would be that I don’t have a job. Sure, this could be at least partially in my control. I could be applying for EVERY job I see, but I haven’t hit that point yet. I could be creating my own work, which is something I feel somewhat guilty about. I haven’t been nearly as dedicated to my editing self-tutorial as I should be, and I also haven’t used my time wisely to finish up the books sitting here waiting to be read, or work on the projects I’ve come up with but haven’t moved beyond pre-production, so to speak. However, being at home so much has given me a LOT of time to consider my apartment, and it’s good and bad qualities. I know I bitch about it a lot, and it really is pretty run down. It could use a paint job. New wiring. A scrubbing I will never be able to accomplish. Et cetera. But it does have good points. It’s huge, for one. Two bedrooms with a decent size living/dining room. A tiny, brutally outdated kitchen, but I don’t really cook, so there’s that. I have onsite parking and laundry, with the laundry being mere steps down the hall from my apartment, so I can open my front door to check whether or not the washer’s still running. Did I mention it’s huge? I have acquired far too much crap just because it’s huge.

But here’s what I’m pondering. I had every intention of buying property this year. Really. I had a good chunk of savings, and am a wonderful credit risk. I am obnoxiously responsible with money, which is one of the main reasons my unemployment is going so smoothly. It’s not much of a sacrifice to me to stop eating out. I just do. I don’t use my credit cards that much anyway, so putting them away is no big. I paid them off before I got laid off (thanks, 60 days’ notice!), so I had no debt going into my term of unemployment, and have only racked up the odd birthday/wedding gift charge here and there, which I’ve promptly paid off. I have had at least one credit card since my college days, and check my credit reports religiously. The problem here, of course, is that I got laid off. I’m now a lousy credit risk because I have no income. And I don’t know when I will have income again. And in the mean time, I’m spending, albeit slowly, the savings I managed to accrue over the past several years.

This is just so frustrating to me! I can’t do anything about it. Because of the financial turmoil of our country and the cost of real estate here, I have to have a HUGE down payment, which will take me a while to build back up. In the meantime, I’ll be back to freelancing, which will probably continue to keep me in the ‘lousy credit risk’ category. And I can’t do anything about it, short of finding a regular job and toiling away in a cubicle for the rest of my life, just to get out of my icky apartment. Which is worse, the cubicle, or the apartment? It’s a tough call. It’s unlikely the cubicle will burn down anytime soon. The apartment? Who knows? That’s why I purchased renter’s insurance this year, finally. As long as my kitchen light is going to fill with water periodically, I think the renter’s insurance is a WISE investment.

However, I refuse to be frustrated for too long. I have done some good with my free time. I’ve lost around 10 lbs! I’ve read a number of books. Some of them weren’t that good, but that’s the risk you run. I’ve enjoyed countless hours of NCIS. I have learned how to do some things with Final Cut. I’ve done a lot of cooking for myself, and hiked Runyon some, and used my treadmill a lot. I’ve learned that this fall, we will most likely be wearing purple, grey, tweed, plaid, textured tights, and that my T straps from several years ago can re-enter the rotation, even though they aren’t platform. I’ve figured out that I’m not entirely feeling the peep-toe bootie shoe thing, but that they may grow on me. And I’ve also learned that you can call Time Warner and bitch them out for their very shady pricing practices, and it might actually get you a little cost savings. I would have never had the time to sit on the phone with them if I’d had a job.

No, my free time isn’t yet coming to an end, but I am starting to realize, as I said in my last post, that I’m wasting it, for the most part. Consider this a little therapy for me. Admitting I’m frustrated is half the battle, or something. I haven’t quite yet figured out how to win the war, but I’m working on it. Sort of. I’m sure there’s an ep of NCIS on somewhere that I simply MUST watch.