The Ladies Who Lunch

I was watching TV the other night when a commercial came on for a major drugstore brand of makeup, featuring Emma Stone. Now, Emma Stone is indisputably lovely, and I’m sure many makeup manufacturers are clamoring for her endorsement, but this young woman is completely unable to convince me that the makeup she’s wearing might be of any use to me. Sure, she’s a redhead, so maybe she’s got some freckles she wants to cover, and maybe the makeup she’s shilling is effective there. But I’ve got nearly 40 years’ worth of sun damage, some minor wrinkles, 20 years’ worth of melasma, and, well, other regular-person issues to cover, and I just can’t believe that makeup a YOUNG woman might turn to will be in any way useful in my spackle-and-camouflage efforts. She’s an interesting choice for a facial makeup endorsement, an aspirational one, as she really is very pretty, but I wonder at what point does “aspirational” become “just ridiculous?” I’m pretty comfortable with Ellen Degeneres, Sofia Vergara, Queen Latifah, and even Drew Barrymore selling me makeup. These are beautiful women who aren’t in their 20s anymore. They are likely battling the same aging issues I am, and even if they have an entire surgical band of brothers at their facial front lines, so to speak, I’m still more likely to believe their claims than those of a beautiful woman in her early 20s. No matter how sincerely she appears to be enjoying wearing that makeup. Of COURSE that dude stopped to look at you, Emma Stone. I could slap on 14 layers of that makeup, and it’s unlikely I’d be able to compete with you, even in my own dreams. (My own dreams probably realize that handsome young man likely doesn’t have a stable job or emotional maturity. There really are a few benefits to being a little older. Or even a lot older. WHATEVER.)

But this got me thinking about other aspirational things, like fashion magazines and blogs, and how much I buy into them. Looking at images of stylish Europeans over at The Sartorialist is really fun, but can Americans really dress like that in our daily lives and get away with it? Where’s the line there? I would say for sure not in corporate America. If you have a regular business job, where you wear a suit every day, it’s unlikely that your company wants you to deviate from the normal suit parameters.

But what about those of us in more creative fields? I was commenting to a friend the other day that I have one wardrobe. It’s my work, weekend, evening, day outing, everything wardrobe, and it consists primarily of tops, jeans, and flats. I used to wear heels regularly, and honestly, I gave it up when my walk from the parking garage got longer, and I’ve never really gone back. I would love to be the woman that looks all pulled together all the time. Unfortunately, assembling an outfit like that, especially in the plus size section, is not financially feasible at this time. Plus, each day at my most recent office, I had to crawl on the floor twice a day to plug in and then unplug my computer. Is that going to happen in cute heels and a skirt? Nope.

I think in some ways, we’re not really taught to have that level of respect for dressing. The idea of putting together an outfit isn’t high on our priority lists anymore, and in some instances, that’s fine. We have better things to think about. Getting to work, getting our families together, getting chores done, bills paid, etc. But in days gone by, people were able to think about all those things. For a project on which I recently worked, I looked at a number of pictures of construction workers on the Empire State Building. Y’all, these guys wore jackets and ties to work. To construct a building. And hats! Because that’s what you did back then. Now, sure, by about halfway through the day, many of them had stripped down to their undershirts. But they arrived at work looking presentable for the day. And likely went home that way, too.

It would be an odd thing, I think, for my industry to expect better wardrobe out of us when we do sometimes end up crawling around on the floor each day, but if I were to show up to work in a yellow floaty skirt, a cream architectural jacket, and pink and cream spectator platforms with a Lucite heel, well, I think it’d probably be a bit surprising. Really fun, somewhat uncomfortable, and  definitely surprising. (not to mention the fact that I’d never find a yellow floaty skirt in any plus size department. Yes, I’ve already brought this up. No, I’ll never get over it.)

So, yes, I love looking at fashion magazines and blogs. Yes, I find inspiration in the pictures and images. Aspiration, even. I long to be a woman who wears yellow tights to work with heels and maybe even a pair of gloves, just because they go with the outfit. But no, I’m not sure we live in that world. I think the line between “aspiration” and “just ridiculous” is in a different place for each person, and that each person has to locate that spot on their own, regardless of how many “How you can wear the new look in your own life!” articles that person has read. However, if you do encounter me just a little bit (or a lot) overdressed for the occasion, understand where I’m coming from, and be a little sympathetic. I just want to look like the ladies I admire so, sartorially speaking.

But I for sure won’t be wearing that makeup Emma Stone’s trying to sell me. Dude, why would you even WANT to cover freckles? It’s just all wrong. 

The only thing we have to fear...

Fear is a funny thing. Sometimes, you don’t even realize it’s in charge until you really start to consider why you’ve never gotten around to doing that thing you’ve always meant to. I figured out I was afraid a few years ago, and, well, that’s as far as I’ve gotten. Because I’m afraid, y’see. I’ve always had a fear of new things. Any new thing. Going to a new place (be it a restaurant, house, store, whatever), calling a new phone number, driving a new route somewhere, etc. Deep down I believe I’ll screw things up, so why bother trying anything new, but I think this is more than that, and I’m not quite sure how to conquer it beyond simply doing. I feel like, at this point, talking to someone about it is silly. I know what’s wrong. I know why it’s there.

But, of course, I’m afraid.

For example, I’m writing this blog post instead of watching the documentary I found that will help me do some research for the script I want to write. Because I’ve never written that kind of script before. So it’s easier to write this blog post, which is something I HAVE done before, than view the research and start work on the script. Gut wrenching, isn’t it?

Being laid off and then unemployed for 2 ½ years really did a number on me, too, in terms of my fear. Any shred of confidence I’d built up because of consistent work disappeared in an instant. I am now, in colloquial terms, a fraidy cat.

I’m not sure how to recover what I’ve lost, and then continue to build from there. I’m not sure that I ever will. I know now, as I approach 40, that I’m officially running out of time, youth, and energy to do so. But instead of inspiring me to work harder, it just scares me more. I wasn’t raised to be ambitious, to pursue accomplishments beyond what is handed to me. I see that very clearly now. But there are so many things I never did because I was afraid. Afraid of failing? No. I’m always certain I’ll fail. Afraid of being right about failing. I think that’s more accurate. I have a terrible time recognizing my own accomplishments. I believe this is one of the reasons I haven’t been able to choose a new career. I genuinely can’t see the things I’m good at, and, of course, I’m terrified to try anything new. I am also, more reasonably, terrified of not being able to pay my rent.

So, will I spend another 40 years not doing anything and being afraid? I hope not. But I haven’t quite figured my way out yet. 

Introspection

As my current project winds down, I have once again begun to contemplate my future. It's a real pain in the ass, that. Having spent a little more time in the trenches of TV land, I am that much more confident I still want as little as possible to do with it. But I'm completely at a loss as to what else I can do. I've considering making a list of my skills and seeing where else they lead me. Sadly, at this point, even putting together a list of my skills is a challenge. I don't always see the things I can do as skills. They're just "the things I can do." Being organized is one of those things. This is not something I work at or struggle with. I AM organized. I don't have to try at all. Honestly. It's really bizarre to me that other people aren't. I get that people are different, but it's always been SO easy for me to keep my shit together, figuratively speaking. I can count on ONE hand the number bills I've paid late over the past 10 years.  Being organized is a tremendous advantage in producing. It allows me to keep an eye on all the various fires and put them out before they get out of hand. For the most part. Of course, even organized people like myself miss a thing or two from time to time. It happens.

Unfortunately, my organizational skills are one of the reasons I want out of this industry. I've encountered a number of creative people who believe that, because they're artsy, they don't have to be organized. Many of them outrank me, and they got there because they're creative, which, great. Good for you. But I'm creative, too. And I get stuck cleaning up your shit and getting mine together, and I get trapped in what are essentially administrative positions because, "Oh, Becca will keep us organized." NO. THIS IS NOT OK. Especially if I'm not your assistant. I don't love being organized just because I am organized. If you are PAYING me to organize your shit, then fantastic. But if it's not my job, and I have to keep an eye on you AND me? Not ok. This happens more and more. Is it a gender thing? Or just because I'm capable? Or both? I don't know. And I'm sure that it happens in other industries. But I suspect that in other industries, there are HR departments I can go and complain to, and at least TRY to get someone's duties pushed back onto themselves.

Because, truth? I HATE ORGANIZING OTHERS, UNLESS I'M BEING PAID TO DO SO. You're a grownup. Get your own shit together. This is something that comes SO naturally to me that I honestly cannot fathom why others have such a hard time with it. I get that they do. It's like getting my engineer father to help me with my math homework. He often couldn't even get it simple enough for me to understand. I get it. But G-d. Your mess? Your problem.

The point of all this being that just writing "organized" down on my list is not necessarily a plus for me. And what of my other "skills?" Will I only be suited for any number of low-paying, sad-sack jobs which will continue to force me to live in my horrible apartment until the end of my days? That's something that terrifies me.

It's fear holding me back, for sure. Because I'm afraid of everything about my future, that's certain. But that's also a whole other post, because I've always been afraid, and I am especially afraid of talking about it.

Clingy

I was watching The Secret Circle last night, and this one particular scene came on, and I thought, oh, I'll just fast forward through these idiots to a scene with the characters I like. And then I tried to decide what characters I like. It wasn't a quick decision. I decided I like Adam and Cassie together. They're cute, and fumbly, and that's adorable to me. But all they talk about is what Cassie wants to do, and why Adam thinks she shouldn't. They never discuss what they want to have for dinner. Or that weird thing that happened at school. It's all gloom and doom with these two, and that's kind of annoying. Adam's always so forbidding. "Cassie, I don't want you to do that. It's dangerous. I'm just worried about your safety." He's like a concern troll, in person. And yes, I really did have all these thoughts while the TiVo was paused. And here's when it hit me. Hey, maybe I don't really like this show. I've sat through episode after episode, and sure, I've liked bits and pieces, and yes, this paranormal YA business is usually right up my alley. But honestly? These cats are boring. Their lives are boring. And G-d, they just go around whining about what they want to do, and then another one says they shouldn't do that, whatever it is, because it's dangerous. And then they go and do it anyway, and recite some really epic magicky mumbo jumbo (seriously--Lock, unlock? Do they have a 10 year old writing their incantations?), and everything's fine in the end. Oh, but something bad usually happens, that deserves maybe a little more reflection than it gets, because the bitchy one usually has to flounce off to try and make it all about her.

Anyway, my point is that this happens a lot. I don't always realize I don't like something until I'm miles down the road. I'm slow. Especially if it's something I WANT to like. I usually only realize when I'm fast forwarding, or reading a magazine while watching, or just not paying any attention at all, even though I'm technically sitting in front of the TV, "watching." I do this with books, too. After a few months, I'll realize I haven't picked up the next in a series, and I'll put together what that means. But honestly, even then, I have to think about it. Did I not like the book, or did I just forget? With me, it's a genuine concern.

So, I get sucked into things I should have given up on months ago. It takes me FOREVER to delete something from my TiVo. And I've been working on this. I don't want to be parked in front of the TV all weekend every weekend, trying to catch up on shows. I have to give myself a pass. No, I don't NEED to watch Alcatraz, even though some pieces of it are intriguing. I can give up Smash, even though I love Musical Theater.

I've gotten a lot better in my life about saying no to things outside of me that won't be good for me, whether it's a toxic work environment, or a "friend" that drives me a up a wall. But I'm not good at saying no to myself yet, and reining in my own compulsions to be a voracious consumer of TV and books. Let it go. No one's counting on me to watch every single thing! I want to be better read. But I'm probably never going to be the person that reads Important Literature anyway, so whatever.

Maybe it's for the best that I never bought that external drive for my TiVo. It'd kill me.

Lists

The grass is always greener, isn’t it? After 2 years of unemployment, I started temping regularly last March. In July, I got the job I have now, back in my field of choice, and have been here ever since. That’s 7 months of regular employment in my field, and 10 (or so) months of working, total. After 2 years of not working. And let me be honest here. I could really use a break.

When I was unemployed, one of the things I liked to do was put together lists of things I would buy when I had money. It was everything from responsible items, like an oil change for my car, to more frivolous stuff like new clothes, to everything in between. If I saw something that I really liked, it would go on the list. That thing became ridiculous. If there was something I decided I really had to have, I’d go on a quest to find a version I could afford. That’s how I ended up with the earth’s worst pillows. It was more of a mental list, so I can’t really go back and check up on how I’ve done. I can say that I’ve gotten an oil change. Had the lights that were out on my car replaced. Bought some clothes. Bought some gifts for people I hadn’t spent any money on in years. Got a new computer. Et cetera.

Now that I’m working, my list has changed priorities. I’m now jotting down all the things I need to do when I have some free time. Doctor’s appointments. Getting my appliances in my kitchen replaced, as my manager requires I be present for these shenanigans. Read more books, of course. More research on my writing ideas. The difference here is that I will have a little money behind me, so I won’t be as panicked as I was when I was unemployed before. But again, some honesty. I always panic. I’m too painfully realistic not to. My dream is to take a couple months off, and then resume working, like I’d never stopped. Will that happen? It sure didn’t last time, but 2009 was very different from 2012.

I think, at this point, it’s a risk I’m willing to take. If I do stick with this field for a while, I don’t want to disappear the way I have in the past. I’d like to try to do it on my terms. And if that means that I make a bit less money in a bid to hang on to my sanity, well, then, that’s a choice I’m comfortable making.

I would like to be able to make dents in both my lists, and eventually get to the point where keeping separate lists isn’t necessary. I just do things as they need doing, and everything works out. A bit optimistic, I know. But it’s the beginning of the year! Even people who are dead inside can be a little optimistic in the beginning.

Besides, we’ll all be gone by 12/21, right? Might as well live it up now! #teamMayan